To work through your own grief, allow yourself to grieve, find brief private times to think of the person and say their name, let the body move, tell their story to someone who will listen, and keep the basics of sleep, food and company going. There is no schedule or correct way to feel, and if you find yourself thinking of ending your life, tell someone now.
Processing your own grief is the personal side of mourning: how a bereaved person lets the loss in, expresses it and carries on.
Grief Is A Response To Love, Not A Failure
Many survivors feel they have no right to grieve because others lost more, because there is work to do, or because grief seems like weakness. Grief is the normal response to losing someone who mattered. See Permission to Grieve.
What Helps
- Make small openings. A few quiet minutes at a time of day that works, alone or with a friend: think of the person, say their name, let tears come or not. Then go back to your work. Short windows are a practical suggestion and have no tested minimum or maximum; the parent guide’s 10 to 15 minutes is a convenient range, not a measured dose.
- Move. Walking, working and digging are legitimate ways to carry grief’s physical energy; see Physical Expression of Grief.
- Tell the story. To a friend, a journal, a stone or the night: “Let me tell you about my brother.” Telling is how people make sense of an experience. See Narrative Reconstruction.
- Keep the basics. Eat, drink, sleep, wash, and be near people even when you want not to be.
- Keep a connection to the person. Keep an object, repeat a saying of theirs, carry on a task they taught you. Staying connected with the dead is normal and healthy for many people (a view associated with Dennis Klass and colleagues; from recollection).
- Take breaks from grief. Laughing, working and resting are not betrayals. Moving between facing the loss and dealing with the day is how most people cope.
- Mark the day. Join the rites; see Remembrance Ceremonies.
What You Might Feel
Sadness, anger, guilt, relief, numbness, yearning, the sense of the person’s presence, trouble concentrating, tiredness, bodily aches, bursts of crying or no tears at all. These can arrive in any order and return unexpectedly. A bad day after a better one is ordinary.
What Not To Expect
- A set of stages. You may feel several things on the same day; see Grief in Survival Context.
- A date by which you will be over it.
- To be alone with it. Let someone near you know.
What To Avoid
- Drinking or taking drugs to numb it. They delay grief and invite dependence; see Why Addiction Increases After Collapse.
- Isolating completely.
- Taking risks to feel something or to not feel.
When To Ask For Help
- You cannot eat, drink or sleep for days
- You cannot do anything for a long time
- You are thinking of dying or of joining the person
- You blame yourself so heavily that you cannot function
Say so to someone you trust. See When Grief Becomes Dangerous.
Thoughts of ending your life
Tell someone you trust today and ask them to stay with you. Ask them to keep any weapons, large amounts of medicine or poisons away from you for the time being.
What’s Next
- Learn next: Permission to Grieve — letting yourself
- Combine with: Moving Forward — living on with the loss