Permission to grieve means saying aloud, as a person and as a community, that a loss counts and that mourning it is allowed, including losses others consider smaller, relationships that were complicated, and the loss of a whole way of life. Grief that is not recognised by those around, called disenfranchised grief, tends to go unspoken, so permission should be given in words and in practical room to mourn.
Permission to grieve is the explicit recognition, by oneself and by others, that a particular loss is legitimate to mourn.
People Withhold Permission From Themselves
After a collapse, survivors commonly say: “Others lost more,” “There is too much to do,” “I should be stronger,” “He was not even a friend,” “I should be grateful I’m alive.” Each is a way of ruling one’s own grief out. The sentence “Grief is not weakness; it is the price of love” in the parent guide expresses the right attitude, and it should be backed by action.
Grief The Community May Not Recognise
The term disenfranchised grief was coined by the clinician Kenneth Doka (from recollection) for losses that are not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly mourned. In a survival setting it includes:
- Losses ranked as lesser: a friend, a neighbour, a lover who was not a spouse, a step-relative, a pet or working animal
- Relationships that were difficult or hidden: an estranged parent, a person who harmed you, a partner the community disapproved of
- Mixed feelings: relief after a long illness or after the death of someone who was cruel, together with grief
- Non-death losses: home, work, plans, health, a body part, a way of life, a country
- Losses of people who died in ways the community condemns, including suicide
- Losses suffered by those who are expected to be strong: leaders, healers, parents
- Losses of the perpetrators’ families after a justice process
How To Give Permission
- Say it. “Your loss matters.” “You’re allowed to be sad about this.” “It makes sense that you feel relief and grief together.”
- Do not rank. Never “at least” or “others have it worse.”
- Include them in the rites. Names read, markers placed, places at the gathering; see Remembrance Ceremonies.
- Make private time. Relieve people of duties; see Practical Support Framework.
- Model it. When leaders grieve openly, others may follow. When leaders hide, others copy.
- Mark the lost way of life. A gathering for what was lost, such as homes, towns, trades, is legitimate; see Integrating Loss Into Identity.
Permission Also Means Permission Not To
Permission is not an order. A person may not want to talk, cry, attend or tell the story, and that choice is also legitimate. The aim is to remove obstacles, not to impose a style.
Common Mistakes
- Mistaking a cheerful or silent face for lack of grief.
- Defining who “really” lost someone.
- Giving permission for some losses (a child) but not others (an ex-spouse).
- Telling a person they may grieve “for a while, but then.”
What’s Next
- Learn next: Physical Expression of Grief — what grief looks like in the body
- Combine with: Collective vs Individual Grief — the group side of recognition