Grief shows in the body as disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, tiredness, tight chest and aches, and for many people steady physical activity or crying brings relief. Movement such as walking, carrying and digging is a sound outlet, but striking things in rage has not been shown to reduce anger, and a grieving, exhausted person with an axe or a heavy load is an injury risk.
The physical expression of grief covers both the bodily symptoms of mourning and the physical activities people use to carry it.
Grief Is Felt In The Body
Bereaved people commonly report disturbed sleep, loss of appetite or eating more, fatigue, heaviness or tightness in the chest or throat, restlessness, headaches, stomach upset and a weakened ability to concentrate. Bereavement is a stressful event and the body reacts to stress. Do not assume a symptom is grief alone: illness, hunger, injury and infection cause the same problems; see Illness Management if the person is physically ill.
What Helps
- Crying, if it comes. Many people find relief; some do not cry and are not worse for it. Do not force it or forbid it.
- Rhythmic, useful movement. Walking, carrying water, digging, cutting wood with care, cleaning. Activity can lift mood and help sleep and gives grief a physical outlet.
- Rest. Sleep is hard but matters; see Rest & Sleep Discipline.
- Food and water in small amounts. Offer, do not insist.
- Touch, if welcome. A hug, a hand held.
- Voice. Singing, humming, keening, shouting in an empty field. Some cultures have formal wailing.
- Warmth and quiet.
Venting Rage Does Not Work As Advertised
It is common advice to “get the anger out” by hitting, shouting or smashing. Experiments on this (associated with Brad Bushman; from recollection) found that venting anger by hitting a bag tends to leave people more aggressive, not less. A hard physical effort aimed at a task, such as splitting logs, is a different thing from hitting for the sake of it, and a calm, tired body is a good outcome. If rage is directed at people, see De-escalation.
Safety Rules For Grieving Bodies
- No axes, saws, ladders or heavy lifting when exhausted, dazed or in a fit of feeling. Choose lighter work or team up.
- Give company on long walks and set a return time; grief can lead people into danger or into thoughts of not returning.
- No alcohol as an outlet; see Why Addiction Increases After Collapse.
- Eat before heavy work.
Tools and despair
A person who says they want to die should not be sent off alone with a blade, axe, rope or firearm, even for “healthy” work. See When Grief Becomes Dangerous.
Common Mistakes
- Treating tears as the only real grief.
- Burying the person in work so there is no pause.
- Telling people to “let it out” in front of others.
- Ignoring physical symptoms that persist and have another cause.
What’s Next
- Learn next: Narrative Reconstruction — putting loss into words
- Combine with: Processing Your Own Grief — the personal practice