Grief becomes dangerous when a person stops eating or drinking, talks of wanting to die or to join the dead, withdraws completely, or takes reckless risks. Respond by staying with them, asking plainly whether they are thinking of killing themselves, and moving firearms, stocks of medicine, poisons and other lethal means out of reach, because limiting access to means is among the best-supported ways of preventing suicide and asking has not been found to put the idea in anyone’s mind.
A dangerous turn in grief is one in which despair, self-neglect or recklessness threatens the person’s life.
There Is No Scale For This
Nobody can reliably predict from outside who will take their own life. This article does not offer a risk score, because none that can be used by lay people is reliable and a low score could falsely reassure. Treat every sign below as a reason to act, and treat the absence of signs as no guarantee.
Signs That Call For Action
- Talk of wanting to die, of joining the dead, or of being a burden, including as a joke
- Refusing food or water. Not drinking is a medical danger within a day or two in hot or active conditions; see Dehydration Treatment. The parent guide places the line at more than 48 hours without food or water. I can cite no source for that figure, and for water it is too late.
- Complete withdrawal, not speaking to anyone for days
- Reckless acts, such as volunteering for dangerous tasks or ignoring safety
- Giving away possessions, especially vital ones. In a community, distributing a dead person’s belongings is normal; the signal is a change in the person’s own pattern, such as giving away tools and food they need.
- Sudden calm after a long period of despair, in someone who has talked of dying
- Heavy drinking or drug use; see Why Addiction Increases After Collapse
- Great guilt, or a belief they should have died
Early bereavement carries raised risk of death from many causes, and people who have lost a close person, a child or several people are at particular risk (a general finding in bereavement research, from recollection).
What To Do
- Stay with the person. Do not leave them alone. Arrange shifts so that someone is always there.
- Ask directly and plainly: “Are you thinking of killing yourself?” Studies of asking about suicide have not found that it increases risk, and being asked often brings relief (from a systematic review I recall by Dazzi and colleagues, not checked). Avoid vague wording that lets both of you avoid the subject.
- Listen. Do not argue, lecture, promise secrecy, or say they have much to live for. Say you are glad they told you.
- Remove or lock away means. Firearms and ammunition, large stocks of medicine or sedatives, poisons, ropes and other methods within reach. Reducing access to a method gives time for the crisis to pass, because intense suicidal states are often short-lived, and limiting access to the common means is among the best-supported measures in suicide prevention (a general finding of the literature, recalled and not checked). Do this quietly, and tell the person you are doing it because you care about them.
- Tell the agreed person in the community, and keep the circle small but sufficient.
- Keep basic needs going: food, water, warmth, sleep.
- Follow up for weeks. The risk does not end when the crisis calms. Check in daily at first, and again around anniversaries.
- Bring in trained help if any exists.
If the person has a plan, has taken steps, or has already harmed themselves, treat it as an emergency: keep them in sight, keep means away, treat any injury or poisoning as first aid; see Medical Emergencies.
After A Suicide
A suicide leaves a community in shock, guilt and anger. Avoid describing the method in detail, avoid portraying the act as heroic or a solution, remember the person as a whole, and check on those close to them and on others who are struggling, who are at raised risk. See Helping the Community Heal.
Common Mistakes
- Waiting to see.
- Promising to keep it secret. See Confidentiality & Trust.
- Assuming that someone who talks about it will not do it.
- Taking away means without telling the person, or without staying.
- Leaving the helper alone with the burden.
You cannot make this safe alone
This guide cannot assess risk and is no substitute for a clinician. Without one, the community’s safeguards are company, removal of means and persistence. If you are unsure, act as if the danger is real.
What’s Next
- Learn next: Supporting the Grieving — ongoing support
- Combine with: Living With Trauma Long-Term — where long-term risk lives