Validating without agreeing means acknowledging that a person’s feelings and experience make sense from where they stand while saying nothing about whether their position is correct. It lowers the pressure to escalate because people no longer have to shout to be taken seriously, and it keeps you neutral because you have not judged the claim.
A way of responding to a person’s emotion that recognises it as understandable without endorsing their account of the dispute.
Two Different Statements
“I understand why that would be frustrating” speaks to the person’s experience. “You’re right, he’s taking too much” speaks to the facts of the dispute. The parent article’s wording is that none of the validating statements say the other person is wrong; they say your feelings are valid, which is different from saying your position is correct. The mediator who mixes these up either appears to take sides, or stops validating for fear of doing so.
Method: Validate in Three Parts
Step 1: Find the feeling. Listen for what the person feels, not only what they claim.
Step 2: Name it, tentatively. “That sounds like it’s been weighing on you.” “It would bother me too to feel unseen.” Tentative wording lets them correct you.
Step 3: Link it to a reason, not to blame. “Given how many nights you’ve been on watch, it makes sense this feels like too much.” The reason makes the statement believable.
Step 4: Stop before the “but”. “I understand, but…” erases the validation. Say the validation, pause, then ask a separate question.
Step 5: Hand the claim to a process. “We’ll look at the figures together.” You have acknowledged feeling and left the factual question open.
Examples From the Parent Article
- “I understand why that would be frustrating.”
- “That sounds like it’s been weighing on you.”
- “Your concern about fairness makes sense.”
The last one validates the concern, not the person’s version of events, and so can be said to both parties.
Where It Goes Wrong
- Validating a plan that harms others. You may acknowledge anger at an insult; you may not endorse retaliation. “I can see why you want to hit back. We are not going to do that.”
- Saying it to both sides in identical words. It sounds hollow; tie each statement to what that person said.
- Swapping it for “calm down”. Telling someone to calm down is a command; validation is an acknowledgement. See De-Escalation Techniques.
- Claiming to understand more than you do. The governance article cautions against saying “I understand how you feel” unless you genuinely do; use “I can see this matters” instead.
Heard Is Not the Same as Vented
Validation works by showing the person has been understood. It is different from inviting a long retelling of the grievance, which tends to feed it; see The Pause Technique.
What’s Next
- Learn next: Asking the Right Questions — what to ask once the feeling is acknowledged
- Combine with: Reflective Listening — checking you have understood the content