A memory book gives each person who has died a page with their name, a description, what they contributed and a story or saying, kept by a named keeper and copied so it survives loss or damage, while oral tribute spreads stories of the dead among several tellers so the memory outlasts any one of them. Both are for the living and the unborn, and both depend on asking the family and writing honestly.
A memory book is a written record of the community’s dead, and oral tribute is the spoken counterpart, in which stories are carried by people.
Two Ways To Keep A Person
A written record can outlast the people who knew the dead, but it needs paper, ink and care. A spoken tribute needs nothing but people, and it changes as it is retold. Use both: the book fixes names and facts, and the voices keep the person alive.
The Memory Book
What to put on a page. Name, relationships, approximate dates if known, what the person was like, what they did for the community, a story, a saying or a memory from someone who knew them. Include who contributed the memories.
Materials. Paper and ink are the constraint. See Paper Making for paper and Ink Making for ink. Where there is no paper, durable boards, bark or a carved wall can serve for names alone.
A keeper. Name one person to maintain the book, with a deputy. The role is an honour and a duty.
Copies. A single copy is lost to fire, damp or mice. Copy it, store the copies apart, and check them from time to time. The same reasoning applies to community knowledge in general; see Knowledge Preservation.
Consent and privacy. Ask the family before writing. Leave out details that would hurt the living. Decide who can read the book, and whether it is shared with children or reserved for adults.
Honesty. Write the person as they were. People with flaws are still remembered, and a book of saints is not believed.
Add pages as deaths occur and, where the community wishes, for people lost before the book began.
Oral Tribute
- Several tellers. Each important story should be known by more than one person, so that it survives the death of any one teller.
- A few chosen stories per person, short, vivid and true.
- Retell them at gatherings, at the periodic ceremony; see Remembrance Ceremonies.
- Teach children the stories; see Grief in Children.
- Use the memory techniques of the community’s storytellers, which also help to keep a story steady; see Oral History & Knowledge Preservation.
- Accept drift. Stories change in the telling. Check the central facts against the book.
Things To Be Careful About
- Disputed deaths and living grievances. A tribute can reopen quarrels. Agree wording with the family.
- Unfinished lives. Children and young adults who died deserve tributes that speak of what they were, not only of what they might have been.
- Those who left no one to speak for them. The community should speak, and the book should include them.
- Not a substitute for support. A book is not a replacement for company; see Supporting the Grieving.
Common Mistakes
- One copy and one keeper.
- Writing only the dates and the cause of death.
- Waiting too long, until memories are lost.
- Assigning the task to someone who is grieving heavily with no support.
What’s Next
- Learn next: Naming Places & Structures — keeping names in daily use
- Combine with: Narrative Reconstruction — the personal side of the same work